Thursday, June 26, 2008

My Failed Business Ventures

-Parkour Proofing: A spectacular catastrophe, based on the flawed assumption that everybody finds parkour and its practitioners obnoxious. We sold kits for installing clumps of nails and broken glass on top of fences, in foot sized nooks and crannies on walls, along the sides of drain pipes, etc. Sales were never great, and I pulled the plug when we starting running afoul of mantrap laws in several states.

-Tiny Little Finger Shoes: Sets of ten wee shoes, designed to be laced onto your fingertips and worn at all times. I knew I was in trouble when even Japanese teens wouldn't go for it. Managed to break even by donating my remaining stock to a luge camp for underprivileged children and taking a fat tax deduction.

-Great Big Finger Shoes: A pretty standard looking pair of sneakers, but with the great (I thought) hook that the soles were custom designed based on the right and left index fingerprints of the wearer. We sold two pair, one to a guy who was actually missing a finger, so we only ever produced three soles. The cause of my second bankruptcy.

-Will It Fit?: A mall kiosk franchise operation, Will It fit? consisted of an array of cubbyholes of various sizes, bearing labels like "Bread Box", "Ikea Bookshelf", "Small Refrigerator", "Antique Bird Cage", and so forth. The idea was that, for a minimal fee, mall patrons could stick their purchases into the relevant cubby in order to see if the item would fit where they wanted it to before they brought it home. People loved it, but they just used the holes without paying.

Bastards. Bastards.

-Bat Sharpeners: A place you could go to get your baseball bat carved into a spear or a short wooden sword. You could also get you initials burnt into the handle for a small fee. All I can say is that I was incredibly high when I came up with this, but unfortunately so was the VC who funded me. In his defense, he passed on the first idea I pitched, which was also called "Bat Sharpeners" and involved cruelty to animals.

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