Saturday, December 6, 2008

Twelve Simple Rules for Leading a Consequence-Free Life

-Get rid of those fingerprints! They're like carrying ten little snitches with you everywhere.

-Nod and smile, until you get to a position of sufficient power. Then frown and shake your head.

-In any group of five people or more, never speak the same language as more than two of them. Failures to communicate are failures to be responsible!

-Diversify your greed! Gastric bypass surgery is easy to obtain when you're rich.

-Cultivate two signatures: a legible one and an illegible one. Use the illegible signature for any documents of consequence. When you inevitably need to get out of one, claim it's a fraud and present documents with your legible signature as proof.

-Having non-powerful friends with no influence is like having an umbrella that can't keep you out of jail.

-If you're a woman, cry publicly whenever things don't go your way. If you're a man, punch walls and mutter to yourself in the same situations. If you do this enough times, people will make sure things go your way!

-When arguing, it doesn't matter if you're right, it only matters if you're loudest.

-No one ever went broke by arranging matters so that someone else always pays.

-Be known for being brilliant yet unpredictable! This allows you to walk away from anything (artworks, political careers, relationships, pets) whenever you're bored with it, while looking like you're following your passions.

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