Successful Lies I Have Told

"I'm sick of productions of Waiting for Godot where they cut out the car chase."

"I don't know how all that blackberry jam got in your car."

"During the summer I'm the substitute mayor of a small Ukrainian village. So of course I can officiate at your wedding."

"LASIK gave me x-ray vision. But I only use it for good."

"I used to work as a house painter, but I quit when it got too commercial."

"A childhood injury rendered me incapable of giving change to the homeless."

"Reading is a wonderful town and I wish I still lived there. I especially miss all the outlet malls and Klan rallies."

"I love it when you talk about bacon."

"Of course I know what an ostinado is. Asshole."

"I wrote that book you're reading."

"I haven't really cared about anything since 1992."

"I don't know how all that blackberry jam got in your safety deposit box."

"I'm late because my chemo appointment ran over."

"See that building over there? It's made of Lego."

"I know the guy who invented silicone bakeware."

"I'm scared of clouds, especially the pretty ones."

"I was born with my bones on the outside."

"I was the voice of the pets.com dog puppet. The puppeteer was Colin Farrell."

"I collect pictures of abandoned drug stores."

"I don't know how all that blackberry jam got in your mouth while you were sleeping."

"I lived in a storage unit in Metuchen for eight years."

"Here's how you make a real Mojito: take three ounces of Triple Sec, muddle it with shredded carrot and serve at slightly above room temperature by warming it with your hands. That thing you're claiming is a Mojito? Real Cubans call that a Batista."

"Carol Channing died."

"This blog updates 4-7 times a week."