Some of My Crimes

1980: Used a fake ID to vote in the presidential elections. I was only seven, but I was just that passionate about John Anderson.

1986: Violated Sizzler's "All You Can Eat" policy by eating more than I could.

1993: Charged with grand theft auto after making an unsuccessful claim that stealing a Volkswagen that was sitting in a puddle was kosher under maritime salvage laws.

1997: Sued for breach of contract after delivering a three hour lecture at the Learning Annex in Topeka on the importance of canine portraiture in the works of the Pre-Raphaelites, instead of the introductory "Joy of Juggling" course I had promised.

1999: Target of a seemingly endless stream of nuisance charges while working a part time construction job in Clearwater, Florida. A junior assistant DA finally let me know my problems would go away if I would take the "HUBBARD WASN'T ALL THAT" bumper sticker off my pickup. Opted to head back north instead.

2004: Charged with indecent exposure in Portland, Oregon. Acquitted after pointing out that Utilikilt's sizing charts did not take the wide-hipped yet long-legged gentleman into account.

2007: Nearly caused an international incident when my telegram to Doris Lessing —warning her that a restraining order was in the offing if she didn't stop showing up drunk on my lawn at 3 o'clock in the morning— was intercepted and printed in The Guardian. Libel charge was quietly dropped after I produced surveillance camera footage and a thick folder of fervid mash notes in Ms. Lessing's distinctive hand.