Just the other day I was trying to find the "NASA Image of the Day," but I accidentally typed "NSA Image of the Day." Embarrassing, but at least I know what my neighbor looks like naked now.
(Real posts to rickhorstarr.blogspot.com resume September 1st!)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Interim Post: Doesn't Scan
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
Round and round,
Round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
So if you're wearing a long flowing scarf be careful
Or you'll end up like poor Isadora Duncan.
I hear her head popped clean off.
Allllll over town.
Real updates resume September 1st!
Round and round,
Round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
So if you're wearing a long flowing scarf be careful
Or you'll end up like poor Isadora Duncan.
I hear her head popped clean off.
Allllll over town.
Real updates resume September 1st!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Interim Post: My Most Shameful Googles
- Hugo Award sex act
- stamp collecting incontinence
- Mr. Opportunity fanfic
- Miranda July snuff film torrent
- aviary defacement penalties Michigan OR Pennsylvania OR Nevada OR Colorado
Real updates resume September 1st!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
On Approaching 36
In a tight white t-shirt
I look like a weisswurst.
Regular updates resume September 1st!
I look like a weisswurst.
Regular updates resume September 1st!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Twelve Simple Rules for Leading a Consequence-Free Life
-Nod and smile, until you get to a position of sufficient power. Then frown and shake your head.
-In any group of five people or more, never speak the same language as more than two of them. Failures to communicate are failures to be responsible!
-Diversify your greed! Gastric bypass surgery is easy to obtain when you're rich.
-Cultivate two signatures: a legible one and an illegible one. Use the illegible signature for any documents of consequence. When you inevitably need to get out of one, claim it's a fraud and present documents with your legible signature as proof.
-Having non-powerful friends with no influence is like having an umbrella that can't keep you out of jail.
-If you're a woman, cry publicly whenever things don't go your way. If you're a man, punch walls and mutter to yourself in the same situations. If you do this enough times, people will make sure things go your way!
-When arguing, it doesn't matter if you're right, it only matters if you're loudest.
-No one ever went broke by arranging matters so that someone else always pays.
-Be known for being brilliant yet unpredictable! This allows you to walk away from anything (artworks, political careers, relationships, pets) whenever you're bored with it, while looking like you're following your passions.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Aldred Up a Tree
There's a frame of reference that would be useful to have here, Aldred imagines. Its absence is leaving perception a jumbled mess, like a Cornell box that has been given a good shake. He has a few facts to deal with:
He is up a tree, a gnarled and ancient affair.
He's holding on to a branch for dear life, but this seems to be unnecessary, as the afghan is still wrapped around him, now transformed into a sort of sling. The knotted ends are on top of the branch, and Aldred hangs beneath.
He is currently facing the sky. It's bright blue and calming, and part of him wants to relax and leave well enough alone. But another part of him can't resist a turn of the head to see what the whole situation is.
The branch sticks out over a cliff.
It appears to be a long way down.
It is morning and it is cold.
He pulls himself to the side a bit and looks down at the foot of the tree. Mercury and an old man (oh yes, Kliet, that was his name) are there. Mercury is wearing a bright red cloche hat with an ostrich feather pin. The hat and pin don't really go together, making her head a smaller jumble within the jumble.
Kliet is holding a large yellowing map of the continental United States, mounted on plywood.
Mercury has an old fashioned cheerleader's bullhorn to her mouth, and is slowly overpronouncing the names of American cities through it. Her accent is the sort that only comes from elocution classes at a young ladies finishing school. A disreputable one.
"NEEEUUUUWPOOOHHHRRRRRRRT."
Aldred takes his hands away from the branch and rubs his face. A wind comes up and he starts to swing gently. Aldred glances at the knot. It looks solid and reassuring. He lets his arms flop back and now hangs in the sling, staring up into the sky.
"AHHHNCOOOOUUUUURRRRAHHHHGE."
There's something infuriating about that.
"SHEEEEEEECAHHHHGUUUOOOOOO."
That's slightly better. The wind picks up and he begins to swing with more vigor. He resists the urge to wrap his arms tightly around the branch, ignores the screaming voice in his head, and concentrates on the sky, willing his eyes to stay open and take in the blue when all they want to do is clamp shut.
"TOOOHRAAHHHHHHNNNTOOOOH."
Oh for heaven's sake...
"Mercury?"
"FEEEEEEEENIIIIIIIIIIICKS-Yes, dear?" She gestures to Kliet, who adjusts the angle of the map.
"That's very irritating."
"What is, dear? SEEEEEEEECAAAAAAHHCUSSSSSSS."
"You naming cities that aren't on that map."
"No it isn't. BAAAAAHSSSSTUUUUUHHHHN."
"Really, it is."
"No dear, it isn't. It's annoying, not irritating. FEEERRRRRAAAAHHNKFOOOOOOHRT."
"The difference being?"
"Irritants just happen. Annoyances are there on purpose."
"I wasn't aware of that-"
"HOOOOOHNOOOOOOOOELUUUUUAHLUUUU."
"-particular distinction."
"Well, that's something for you to think about then, isn't it dear? But I wouldn't spend too much energy on it as-"
The sling swings to the right and he feels a sickening lurch. His eyes snap to the knot, the twists and turns of which are now in motion. Rapid motion. Aldred grabs the branch with his arms and as much of his legs as his gut will allow. The afghan falls away, and he hears Kliet mutter something about cavalier treatment of family heirlooms.
"FAAAHREEEEEEHSSSSNUUUOOOOOO."
Aldred begins to inch his way down the branch, towards the trunk. He hasn't gotten very far when a definitive cracking noise tells him what the immediate future is going to hold. The branch is still partly connected to the trunk, and Aldred's weight causes it to swing in rather than simply fall off. The far end of the branch arcs towards the foot of the tree, carrying Aldred with it, gaining speed like a wrecking ball. At the last second Aldred lets go. The forward momentum hurtles him towards Kliet who seems to be expecting this. He takes a quick step to the side and swats Aldred with the mapboard, deflecting him into a conveniently placed (if dew dampened) haystack.
Aldred closes his eyes, and, though partially winded, breathes in as much of the smell of damp hay as he can. He is greedy for it, in love with all things that stay near to the ground. The impact has driven him halfway towards the center of the stack, and for a moment he considers burrowing in. Instead he pulls himself out and collapses onto the ground, his back resting against the hay. Mercury wanders over and points the bullhorn down at him. He can see up it, all the way to her pursed lips. He thinks he reads some satisfaction on them. They slowly part and one last name comes rolling down the cone of the bullhorn.
"GUUUUUAAAHHHHHHMMMMMMMM."
Aldred considers.
"That's not even a city."
"Does that annoy you?"
He shrugs.
"Right," says Mercury. "I think we've made a fair bit of progress here this morning."
He is up a tree, a gnarled and ancient affair.
He's holding on to a branch for dear life, but this seems to be unnecessary, as the afghan is still wrapped around him, now transformed into a sort of sling. The knotted ends are on top of the branch, and Aldred hangs beneath.
He is currently facing the sky. It's bright blue and calming, and part of him wants to relax and leave well enough alone. But another part of him can't resist a turn of the head to see what the whole situation is.
The branch sticks out over a cliff.
It appears to be a long way down.
It is morning and it is cold.
He pulls himself to the side a bit and looks down at the foot of the tree. Mercury and an old man (oh yes, Kliet, that was his name) are there. Mercury is wearing a bright red cloche hat with an ostrich feather pin. The hat and pin don't really go together, making her head a smaller jumble within the jumble.
Kliet is holding a large yellowing map of the continental United States, mounted on plywood.
Mercury has an old fashioned cheerleader's bullhorn to her mouth, and is slowly overpronouncing the names of American cities through it. Her accent is the sort that only comes from elocution classes at a young ladies finishing school. A disreputable one.
"NEEEUUUUWPOOOHHHRRRRRRRT."
Aldred takes his hands away from the branch and rubs his face. A wind comes up and he starts to swing gently. Aldred glances at the knot. It looks solid and reassuring. He lets his arms flop back and now hangs in the sling, staring up into the sky.
"AHHHNCOOOOUUUUURRRRAHHHHGE."
There's something infuriating about that.
"SHEEEEEEECAHHHHGUUUOOOOOO."
That's slightly better. The wind picks up and he begins to swing with more vigor. He resists the urge to wrap his arms tightly around the branch, ignores the screaming voice in his head, and concentrates on the sky, willing his eyes to stay open and take in the blue when all they want to do is clamp shut.
"TOOOHRAAHHHHHHNNNTOOOOH."
Oh for heaven's sake...
"Mercury?"
"FEEEEEEEENIIIIIIIIIIICKS-Yes, dear?" She gestures to Kliet, who adjusts the angle of the map.
"That's very irritating."
"What is, dear? SEEEEEEEECAAAAAAHHCUSSSSSSS."
"You naming cities that aren't on that map."
"No it isn't. BAAAAAHSSSSTUUUUUHHHHN."
"Really, it is."
"No dear, it isn't. It's annoying, not irritating. FEEERRRRRAAAAHHNKFOOOOOOHRT."
"The difference being?"
"Irritants just happen. Annoyances are there on purpose."
"I wasn't aware of that-"
"HOOOOOHNOOOOOOOOELUUUUUAHLUUUU."
"-particular distinction."
"Well, that's something for you to think about then, isn't it dear? But I wouldn't spend too much energy on it as-"
The sling swings to the right and he feels a sickening lurch. His eyes snap to the knot, the twists and turns of which are now in motion. Rapid motion. Aldred grabs the branch with his arms and as much of his legs as his gut will allow. The afghan falls away, and he hears Kliet mutter something about cavalier treatment of family heirlooms.
"FAAAHREEEEEEHSSSSNUUUOOOOOO."
Aldred begins to inch his way down the branch, towards the trunk. He hasn't gotten very far when a definitive cracking noise tells him what the immediate future is going to hold. The branch is still partly connected to the trunk, and Aldred's weight causes it to swing in rather than simply fall off. The far end of the branch arcs towards the foot of the tree, carrying Aldred with it, gaining speed like a wrecking ball. At the last second Aldred lets go. The forward momentum hurtles him towards Kliet who seems to be expecting this. He takes a quick step to the side and swats Aldred with the mapboard, deflecting him into a conveniently placed (if dew dampened) haystack.
Aldred closes his eyes, and, though partially winded, breathes in as much of the smell of damp hay as he can. He is greedy for it, in love with all things that stay near to the ground. The impact has driven him halfway towards the center of the stack, and for a moment he considers burrowing in. Instead he pulls himself out and collapses onto the ground, his back resting against the hay. Mercury wanders over and points the bullhorn down at him. He can see up it, all the way to her pursed lips. He thinks he reads some satisfaction on them. They slowly part and one last name comes rolling down the cone of the bullhorn.
"GUUUUUAAAHHHHHHMMMMMMMM."
Aldred considers.
"That's not even a city."
"Does that annoy you?"
He shrugs.
"Right," says Mercury. "I think we've made a fair bit of progress here this morning."
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Reichstag Follies is Real?
So somebody got here in the past week or two by doing a Google search for "Reichstag Follies", which lead them to this old entry. The odd thing is now Citysearch is showing results for performances of something called "The Reichstag Follies" at some place called Cinema Classics in NYC, throughout October and into November. I can't find any references to this title on the IMDB or elsewhere, just these Citysearch listings and my old post. Any of my NYC peeps faimiliar with this Cinema Classics place? I'm a little worried that parts of my brain are dripping into the real world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
